Ponytails are killing me

So I have a couple upcoming posts with a little greater gravity than this one (and quite a few with less). But this problem is driving me seriously nuts.

Typical fail #28: What is this stupid gap doing here again?

Until 2 years ago I had never tried to tie a ponytail. In fact I have actively avoided gaining such knowledge. As a guy, being proficient at such things are a sure fire way to be continuously ridiculed when hanging out with other guys.

On the flip side of that, I knew the day was coming when I would have to learn how to tie a ponytail. Having two daughters, I have a trump card for any ponytail knowledge ridicule, leaving my heckling drinking friends with merely a few hundred other things to harass me about.

  • My (former) cat ownership.IMAGE_050
  • My propensity for breaking bones and tearing joints (hence my college nickname Crip, short for Cripple of course).

    How to become a Preferred hospital stay member
  • That time I…(insert Walsh drinking story here).

    I just figured out how to solve the refugee crisis! Better have another beer, just to be sure.

But no, there was to be no laughing at me because I knew how to tie a ponytail. For the record, this is hereby acknowledged to be strict guy logic, straight from caveman times (it’s an age old problem).

Now whomever said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks is, well, full of crap. I love learning new stuff. But women’s hair pieces are killing me, and it sucks.

One may be led to believe the ponytail is a simple thing:

Witness the scrunchie, a thing of evil. Lo, scrunchie, I hatest thou.
  1. Pull back hair
  2. Apply scrunchie
  3. Twist scrunchie and reapply
  4. Repeat 2 more times

But for me it is more like this:

  1. Pull back hair
  2. Misapply scrunchie
  3. Repeat step one until all hair is through scrunchie
  4. Twist scrunchie and misapply
  5. Remember mindfulness, meditate for 3 seconds
  6. Fix misapplied scrunchie by misapplying scrunchie
  7. Throw defective scrunchie into garbage, back to step 1
  8. Etc., etc.

I know I am not the first guy to run across this problem. In fact, Time magazine posted a brilliant video of a guy performing this tricky procedure with a vacuum cleaner:

“Don’t worry, you won’t go bald.”

Unfortunately I am not from Oklahoma (no offense), and the the kids are not fearless enough to try to pull this off. But it got me thinking that there must be a better way.

So I am going to work on an invention to overcome this challenge, because after two years of totally sucking at this, it is time for a win! Here is a sketch of my invention:


Artist’s rendition


As you can see, it is brilliant in its simplicity, and its use of my daughter’s free coloring app.

At this point you may ask if this is not a little overboard. Well, three points I would call out:

  1. I searched everywhere on the web (Amazon.com representing everywhere) and it appears no one is selling anything to help hapless ponytail boobs like me with this parenting quagmire.
  2. Time Magazine posted an article on this, showing the tremendous gravity of the issue amongst fathers all over the world.
  3. I am unemployed.

I will post on this again when my first prototype is ready.

Until then, venture capitalists are welcome to get in on the action. I am looking to raise $27 for a prototype and coffee (i.e. my wages).

If you have any other issues like this you would like me to investigate, please post a comment and I will launch an exploratory investigation into fixing your dilemma. Just don’t be surprised if on occasion I provide the standard Bluto Blutarsky solution from the movie Animal House: “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.”

More to come…


5 thoughts on “Ponytails are killing me”

  1. Hilarious! I especially liked the ppt chevrons tracking your crippling injuries. Best of luck with the invention – keep me posted if baby moody is a girl Sean will be a buyer!


  2. I look forward to your mastery of the pony tail and the natural progression to braiding (a necessity if the girls end up in gymnastics or similar activities). For braiding please include live footage of attempts 1 through 500.


  3. Awesome write up… All the very best .. Pls do keep me posted – I am sure my husband can well use the invention you invent!!!


  4. Hi Jason , excellent read!
    Two things:
    1. When I was a kid there were these elastics with one little colour ball on each end. They were much easier to use than the scrunchies (and less hair was pulled in the process). You would twist one end around the hair and then secure it by placing one of the balls around the other. If I had your app I could probably draw it. That design could use some improvements 🙂 (and might make your life easier)
    2. In your multiple accidents, did you ever completely tear an ACL? I am collecting information about this.

    Good luck with your new ventures! 🙂


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